How Far?
by PCGirl
Summary: Complete! How far will John and Natalie push each other away until they realize all they really need and want is each other?
1. How Far?

New A/N: First, because of the site's crackdown on song fics I'm in the process of removing all the lyrics from my stories--starting with the big one--this. I'm sorry I had to take out the lyrics, but I've put too much time into writing all of this for all the stories to be removed so easily. I'm planning on posting the original chapters somewhere else though--they are too good to not be read the way I originally wrote them--with the lyrics in tact.

Now for the original A/N: Let me explain something right now—this will be my last Jolie-fic for awhile, and there will be another chapter added to this—but not until I see us beginning to get back to our couple. I have faith that someday we will see Jolie back together—just like I know my fellow angels/awians/goons knew throughout Supertorn that we'd get to see our Rali back together. (Sorry if you didn't watch PC and are now all confused ;)) So here is the first part of my Jolie song-fic. Until we see the light at the end of this dark tunnel and get the train ride of a lifetime!—PCGirl.

* * *

Natalie looked at the plane tickets again that Paul had handed her as they stood in Angel Square next to the statue. 

"So are you ready for a little fun?" he grinned at her so that his eyes were mere slits and she wondered to herself how he could see anything when he did that.

Natalie tried to put on her happy and ready for adventure face, but something was trying to tell her not to do this, "Yeah, but I promised one of the guys at Rodi's I'd do his shift for him for a few hours. Is that ok?"

"Yeah, it's fine. I'll see you in a little while then," he said as he leaned in for a kiss and she turned away, not expecting the kiss—but not exactly wanting it either. Kissing Paul was different when she was trying to make John jealous, but if she knew he wasn't around then she really had no reason to do so.

* * *

John sat at the table at Rodi's with Antonio when Antonio looked up and gave someone a smile. John turned to see Natalie was now working. He hadn't talked to Natalie since earlier in the day, when Paul was around and she was trying to make him jealous. No Paul this time—he hoped that maybe she'd be the old Natalie that he had grown fond of. "Will you excuse me for a second?"

"Sure."

John walked up to the bar, "Hi."

"Oh—hi," she said, surprised that she hadn't known he was even in the room, but glad that he was here. She had honestly hoped he was—giving her some actual proof so she could walk away from Paul, but so far he seemed to be all talk and little action.

"Is everything ok?"

"Yeah, I'm going to Puerto Rico with Paul," she said—putting up a huge fake smile.

"Really?" said John, trying to hide his emotions of anger, jealousy, and sadness that she was still interested in the punk.

"Yeah, and don't you try and stop me and tell me Paul is a big bad boy and I'm in danger," she said, waiting for him to say just that.

"Fine, I won't," he said turning and going to sit back down with Antonio.

Natalie's heart broke as she watched him talking with Antonio quietly. She had hoped he had asked her to stay, but he didn't seem to care so she didn't have to care about saying goodbye to anyone either.

She put down her rag and looked at the bartender that was helping the other end, "I've got to go," she said taking off her apron and then walking out of Rodi's, not seeing that John was watching her leave—himself hoping she would have started an argument with him today—where in the end he could just shout out all his feelings for her, instead of keeping them hidden like he had been used to doing.

"Hey—we need to talk," said Jessica as she ran into Natalie who seemed in a rush—as always these days.

"I don't have time now, Jess. I've got a plane to catch."

"With who? Where?"

"Paul. We're going to Puerto Rico."

"Are you crazy?"

"No, I just need a vacation—I wish people would understand that."

"You are running Natalie—stop, please. Mom told me about the conversation you had with her—she wants you to be happy Natalie, she just doesn't think you can be with Paul."

"Maybe I will be—you don't know unless you try," she said giving her sister a slight hug and walking off.

"Do you know where Natalie is heading to?" yelled Jessica as she slapped her purse down on the table that John and Antonio were sitting.

John looked up at her blank faced, "Puerto Rico?"

"Yes—why didn't you stop her?"

"Because maybe she didn't want to be stopped?" he shrugged while taking a sip of his beer.

"God John—don't you see? She wants to be with you—she wants you to say you want to be with her. You two are being such typical stubborn Irish that you can't see what's right in front of you."

John just stared at Jessica silently before getting up and walking out of Rodi's.

* * *

Natalie stood at the edge of the entrance to the plane, waiting—hoping John might still show up. Paul had been one of the first people on the plane, but she hesitated—telling him some lie about how she wanted to make a few last phone calls before heading off. She'd called and left John a message at his room—she didn't say much, just to take care—and if anything happened to her it wasn't his fault. She knew he'd blame himself no matter what though—that was one thing that never changed about him, one thing that at times she cursed and at other times she loved about him.

"Ma'am, we have to leave. Are you coming?" asked the agent who tapped her on the shoulder.

"Yes," she sighed as she figured John really didn't care what happened or where she went.

As the ticket agent closed the door John was standing in the middle of Angel Square thinking of Natalie, and watching the planes fly by—wondering if she was flying out of his life now for good—or would something else pull them back together one day.


	2. Strong Enough

A/N: One might need a tissue for this chapter--just a suggestion. I'm not anywhere near finishing this story--just trying to clean up Jolie from how the writer's have left them lately. Until next time--PCGirl.

* * *

"I really am glad you decided to come home, Nat. If you had stayed down there much longer I was going to get on a plane and bring you back myself," said Rex as he stood behind the counter at Ultra Violet, Jessica sitting next to her. 

"Yeah, well I've got something else big to tell you both. I want to tell you before I tell Mom and Roxy. I've been too dependent on men since Cris died—and I need to realize I can have a life and do things without having men around—no offense Rex."

"None taken."

"So what's next?" asked Jessica.

Natalie opened her purse and pulled out a brochure, "I'm taking a retreat—it's out in Northern California. It's a four week long ordeal—I can receive mail, but only from those I have on a list. All other mail I will receive at the end of the retreat."

"What about if there's another emergency with mom?"

"Well, hopefully there won't be—but I am giving Kevin the telephone number there for emergency calls. Make sure he doesn't forget to call me—I'll leave the retreat in a heartbeat if something happens."

"Are you sure this is what you want to do?"

"Yeah, I don't have another choice. If I don't do it then I'm scared I'll do something stupid again."

"When do you leave?"

"Tomorrow night—my plane takes off from the airport at 6 pm. I need to go talk to mom and Kevin—I'll see you both before I go though, ok?"

"What about John? Are you going to tell him?"

Natalie shook her head, "No, he's as much of the problem as Paul is," she said looking up and seeing he was walking in with Evangeline behind him, "I need to go—I'll see you later," she said giving Jessica a hug and coming around the side to get a big hug from Rex.

* * *

"Thanks for understanding mom, and I apologize for the way I acted before." 

"Oh sweetie—don't apologize. You never have to apologize to me for anything, ok?"

Natalie's eyes started to tear up and again went to put her arms around Vicki's neck and just cried on her shoulder for a few minutes, "I just wish everything was more clear right now. I wish I didn't have to go but I need to. Ok, that's it—no more tears. I'm not crying for anyone anymore—that's the first thing they tell about in the brochure that they want you to learn. I'm going to be strong, and figure out what to do with my life, and how to move on with it while still being myself."

"And I'm glad for that. Who knows what will happen in the end—maybe just by accident you'll find the real Natalie on the inside and she'll know who, what, or where she belongs."

"You think this trip might have some type of serendipitous effect on me?"

"Anything is possible—now go have fun with Jess and Rex for the night."

"Will you be ok?"

"I'll be fine. I'm tired though, so I'm going to go to bed—will you lock the door when you leave?" asked Vicki as she began to turn on the stairs and Natalie watched as she walked the rest of the way up and when she heard her Mom's door close she opened to see Paul standing there.

"What are you doing here?" asked Natalie out of shock that she hadn't wanted to have a confrontation tonight.

"I got your note this morning when I woke up. Why did you just split like that? I thought we were having a good time—that we were a good team, what happened?"

Natalie gave out a loud sigh and stood taller, moving her hair behind her shoulders with a shake of her head, "We're not a good team Paul—you are a poison to me that's not good for my system. Just go back to Puerto Rico—good luck on finding the money, but I can't go back with you."

"Why not?"

"Because I have somewhere else to be—and it's not with you."

"It's McBain—he somehow got in touch with you and has talked you out of this, hasn't he?"

"No—this has nothing to do with John," she said and realized she meant it this time. "I have changed a lot in the past few months, and maybe you haven't noticed, but down in Puerto Rico I noticed—and I have to find the real me again."

"I'll help you find the real you—just give me a chance, please Natalie."

"No. The only person that can find the real me is me. Now please go Paul," she said walking away.

* * *

"Natalie—will you stop?" called Paul as he followed her into Ultra Violet.

She had been trying to lose him on the drive over, but it hadn't worked. Natalie whipped around and glared at him—her eyes burning with anger at his refusal to let her be, "Will you stop following me?"

"Is there a problem here? Do I need to escort you out?" asked Rex as he walked over and stood behind his sister, his hands resting on her shoulders for a moment before she turned to look at him, "Are you ok? You want me to get rid of this punk?" he said as the word caught John McBain's attention across the room. He gave a half smile at seeing Natalie there—realizing that she was trying to get rid of Cramer and excused himself and got up and began walking over.

"No Rex, he's fine. He just doesn't want to accept the truth that I don't need him around."

"They've brainwashed you Natalie—me and you, we work," he said taking a step towards her but then having Rex literally standing between the two of them.

"Ok, that's enough—I think you've had a little too much to drink and it's time to be escorted home. Jess—will you call him a cab?"

"I haven't had anything to drink. What are you talking about man?"

"Fine, but you've definitely got some disorderly conduct tonight," said Rex as he reeled back his arm and punched Paul in the face.

"Rex!" screamed Natalie as she looked to see John standing there. She ran behind the bar to make up a quick ice bag.

"McBain—I want to press charges for assault," said Paul as he put his hand up to his nose and brought it down to show drops of blood on his hand.

John put his arms in the air in confusion, "I didn't see any assault. All I saw was you fall and run into one of the chairs at the bar. Definitely a sign of excessive drinking—is that cab here yet Jessica?" he said looking at her and giving her a wink and pushing Paul to the door.

* * *

Natalie checked Rex's hand one more time for broken bones, "Does this hurt?"

"To see that Paul got what he deserved—no it doesn't hurt any," he smiled. "You going to go thank your cop buddy over there for saying there was no assault for me?" he said moving his head over towards where it seemed John and Evangeline were now having a very intense conversation.

"I better not—he seems busy."

"Do it for me," he said as he pushed her over to John.

"Hey—how's Rex's hand?"

"He'll survive," she shrugged. "Listen, thanks for what you did before—Paul, he just wasn't taking no for an answer."

"I gathered as much. You've got a good brother Natalie—he'll stick up for you no matter what."

"Yeah, thanks. Well, I better go," she said turning and going back to chat with Jessica and help Rex at the bar.

* * *

John walked into Rodi's and saw Natalie standing next to the bar chatting with Mac, "Hey—can I steal you away for a moment?" 

"Sure—but I want to talk to you some more before you leave," winked Mac as he turned to help a customer.

"It's none of my business, but I was wondering—what was it that set Paul off last night? You said he wouldn't take no for an answer. What was the question?"

"You're right, it's none of your business, but I guess I should tell you. I'm leaving town again, but this time I'm going by myself. I have to find myself John—maybe you should try the same one day," she said as she turned and left—coming back later once John had left to finish her conversation with Mac.

_

* * *

_Natalie sat on the airplane waiting for take off—she knew this was the right thing to do. Unlike the other week when she got on the plane with Paul—this time it felt like she knew where she was going, which was the first time that had happened in a long time. She opened her carry on bag and saw a letter had been put in there. She opened it up and read it silently, 

_Natty, _

I wanted you to know you are the best big sister a guy could have. I'm going to miss you while you are gone—who else can help me put up with Roxy the way you do. You are much stronger than I ever could be by doing this—I hope whatever you find on this retreat will help you in life.

Always remember there are people that love you here, and want what's best for you. I've been a jerk lately—hope you can forgive me for that. Until my next letter—I just wanted to say I love you and you are my hero.

Rex.

Natalie smiled through tears—she sure didn't feel strong right now, she felt like running back off the plane and fighting Evangeline for John's comforting arms, but she knew what she had to do—and there was no turning back as she realized they were heading down the tarmac going west into the setting sun.


	3. Here Without You

A/N: Ok ya'll—I'm trying something very different in this chapter. It's still the same old song and dance routine but with a kick. Along with the written chapter is a music video that uses the same song—they are different (there is stuff in this chapter that is impossible to show in the video) but you don't have to view the video to continue reading the story.

So how do you access the music video? Go to my bio page—on the link to my homepage right click and chose Save as. I'm also going to post a link to it on the Business or Pleasure board on ezboard under Trick Shots (unless Astrid wants me to put it in the fan fiction folder—let me know where you want me to post the link). Anyways—let me know what you think. As always—Enjoy! Until next time—PCGirl.

* * *

Antonio stopped in the middle of reading out his notes from the Santi case to look up and see John was completely in another world. What world—well, Antonio had a very good idea. Since they had finished up the Santi case, and Antonio was back on the force he had noticed a change in John. His mind wandered quicker, and it took everything up to the point of shoving him to get him back to the present. Antonio gave a quick cough, "You know the Llanview PD talent show is coming up soon—I was thinking of doing a strip show for it." He grinned as he continued to get silence from John, "I'm going to sign you up for it also."

John snapped as he realized Antonio was talking to him, "Yeah, that's fine," he said as he leaned back and crossed his feet on his desk, "So where were we?"

"I was right here. What I want to know is where you were just then?"

"Nowhere. I guess I just didn't get enough sleep last night or something," he said rubbing his eyes to try and hide the fact that he had no clue what Antonio just said he'd signed him up for.

"Guess so. By the way—it's eighteen."

"Eighteen what? Eighteen straight whiskeys?"

"No, eighteen days until Natalie gets back."

"Really? I hadn't noticed," said John as he looked back down at his notes.

"Oh, I figured you'd be interested. Well, I've got to go pick up Jamie—I'll see you later."

"Yeah, later," said John as he put down his notes and stretched back. It had been crazy the past ten days since Natalie left. At first he hadn't thought about her much, but then whenever he went anywhere around town he saw flashbacks of him and her having good times, or not. Even going to the Palace made him remember their meeting there at the beginning of everything—we he first realized she was a tough little girl who just happened to have a trust fund the size of Rhode Island.

He sighed as he pulled out a notebook from his drawer and read over the letter he'd written. He pulled it out and crumpled it before tossing it at the trashcan, the yellow paper hitting the edge but landing to the left instead. He'd weaseled the address she was at out of Antonio a few nights ago over a game of pool—if he won Antonio had to give him the address—just so he could make sure the place was legit and there was no way Cramer could get in to see her. That's what he had said, but he knew Antonio knew the truth on why he wanted the address.

He'd won, of course, and had now attempted to write her a letter five times—each time being interrupted and later tearing it up at how silly it sounded. If he closed his eyes he could see her standing there at Rodi's the last time he saw her, she telling him maybe he should figure out who he was. He'd taken offense to the question at first, but now it made more sense. He'd been different lately—not that she hadn't—but he was turning colder again, like he had when Caitlyn died. Natalie had gotten him out of that before, she'd saved his life that way too—made him return to the land of the living instead of one of the undead. He gave up on the letter and work and leaned back in his chair, falling asleep quickly.

_John stood in front of gates staring at the metal lettering at the top of them, Suncrest Retreat Center. The gates were shut but suddenly opened for him and he took the chance and ran in, before they changed their mind and wouldn't let him see her._

_Once he walked in the large oak doors behind him slammed shut, the place was silent though he could hear a soft laugh coming from far away. It took him a moment to realize the laugh was Natalie's and he turned to the right and began searching. It was a maze of halls and doors—some leading to other halls he felt he'd just been on, and then some being nothing but empty space, "I'm coming Natalie," he called as he began running—her laughter getting louder he knew he was close. "Natalie!" he shouted as he got to the door that she seemed to be behind and opened it to walk into his hotel room._

_Natalie stood there with her arms wrapped around Paul's waist and her head on his shoulder, "Hi," she smiled. "I made my decision."_

_"This is your decision?"_

_"You lose Johnny boy," said Cramer, though John would have sworn it was Stephen Haver's voice saying those words instead. "See—you didn't fight for her hard enough, didn't run to find her quick enough. If you had run faster, and tried harder—well maybe you would have got the girl in the end."_

_"Just like Caitlyn and Kathryn—you didn't run fast enough to save them, and you didn't run fast enough to get me. Sorry John," said Natalie as she let go of Paul and came and gave him a kiss on the cheek before his dream ended and he woke up back in his office at the Police Station.

* * *

_

"Is everything ok John?" asked Evangeline as they sat at a table at Rodi's. He had hoped going out to dinner with her would get Natalie off his mind, but it was doing no such thing. If he looked to the bar he kept waiting her to walk around the back in that tight little black shirt that was part of her uniform she he tried to keep his eyes away from that, but that meant he was looking towards the pool table and he was reminded of her even more.

He finally snapped out of it and looked at Evangeline, "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You don't look it. Is there something you want to talk about?"

"Nope. Can't say that I do," he said as she tried to figure out what he was doing here with her—this wasn't where he belonged, he knew that much. "Actually, yeah there is something I need to say to you."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I think this idea of me and you—it's not working out, there's going to be a conflict of interest eventually. A case is going to come up, and I just—I think it's better for both of us if we just go back to being colleagues instead of whatever it was that we are now."

Evangeline's eyes got big as she heard what he was saying, "That's fine. Can I ask what brought this on?"

"Just something that's been on my mind. Listen, I have to go—I'll see you around though," he said as she got up, put some money on the table and tried to get out of Rodi's as quickly as possible.

* * *

It was late when John finally walked into the lobby of the hotel, he'd been walking around Llanview for hours since he left Evangeline—trying to get something, anything else on his mind, but it was useless. He'd realized something, there was not a single place in Llanview where he didn't have some memory of Natalie—heck, even the jail cells at the station reminded him of the time he told her to let it go and she cried for what seemed like forever. She had told him that he needed to let it go, but he didn't do it then.

When he finally let go—finally realized he could let go of Caitlyn it had been to late—she had chosen Paul then. What about now? When she got back from the retreat he knew only one man would be left in her heart—could he be the winner then? He didn't know, and wouldn't for another eighteen days—correction, seventeen since it was past midnight now.

He gave up the fight against sleep now as he laid down on the bed and closed his eyes for a moment but was pulled under and into another dream.

_He was at the gates to the retreat center again—and like before the gates opened and he began to run. He got through the doors and the slammed shut like before and he ran to his right—remembering where to turn and what doors to go through. Suddenly he heard another voice coming from the opposite direction calling his name. He stopped and turned as he heard the voice calling him—it was Caitlyn. He knew he was just a few turns away from getting to Natalie—her laughter was loud and he could imagine her eyes sparkling as she did so._

_He knew Caitlyn wasn't there—knew it was no more than a ghost and suddenly he knew what was right and began running again as he followed Natalie's voice. There was a woman in the hall—dressed in an all white Nurse's uniform, "Excuse me," he said trying to get past her._

_"What do you think you are doing?" asked the woman as she stepped into his path._

_"I need to get to Natalie."_

_"You can't."_

_"What do you mean I can't? I have to get to her so she'll pick me."_

_"It doesn't work that way young man—you don't do the choosing this time, she does."_

_"But last time--."_

_"No. Now turn and leave these premises at once."_

_John didn't argue with her, and though he knew he was turning back towards where he heard Caitlyn's ghost--yet he wasn't choosing the ghost over the flesh, but instead he had made his decision—now it was just a wait and see on if her decision was the same._


	4. Everytime

_Natalie walked into Rodi's and noticed first that all the chairs were stacked up on the tables and it looked like the bar had been cleaned off. The pool table though was set up for a game, and a pool stick was laying on the top. She went to reach for it but someone else grabbed it before her and she looked up to see John chalking the tip before breaking. She went and grabbed a cue, "Can I join in? John?" she said but he didn't respond to her—didn't even acknowledge her in the room. "John? Is everything ok?" she said as she walked over next to him and as she touched his shoulder, "John?"_

But before he responded she began hearing a beeping noise and she reached over to hit the alarm clock, "McBain, you are still haunting my dreams," she sighed as she opened her eyes and looked to see the sun was just rising outside. She'd been at the retreat for three and a half weeks, but he hadn't escaped her memories in the least.

Now Paul—he was another story. The second week of Natalie's retreat there was a new girl that came in for relaxation from life—her last name was Cramer, but it had taken days for Natalie to realize it, and after that she never thought of Paul.

She slipped out of the bed and stretched and taking a survey of the room—it was lightly furnished with a twin bed, nightstand a dresser and a small bathroom to the side—in all, about the same size as John's. She sighed and shook her head—awake or asleep, he was still close in her thoughts.

Natalie noticed the mail had arrived and she picked up an envelope and smiled at Jessica's handwriting. She sat on the edge of the bed while she read about life in Llanview, how big Jamie was getting, Kevin's latest charade against Todd, but she never mentioned him—didn't say if he was thinking about her or if he and Evangeline had grown into more than just friends. It was for the best though that she didn't know until she got home. Natalie took one last look at the clock before getting up and getting ready for the day.

"Here is the information I told you I'd give you," said Kara as she passed along pamphlets and print outs across her desk to Natalie. Kara was a social worker, and the daughter of Natalie's counselor at the retreat. Her counselor had listened to Natalie tell her past history—her life before Llanview, the Buchannan's, and a trust fund with more money than she could have ever imagined. It hadn't taken her long to suggest talking to her daughter, and see if giving back to the children that were once like her be something that would interested her.

"Thank you—these past few weeks have really given me some insight on doing this as a career. I mean I know what it was like to grow up in a lifestyle most of these children are growing up now, and I guess if I can help them in some way then that's the best," said Natalie as she looked through the information on taking the steps to being a social worker, and other ways to work with Children Services in Pennsylvania.

"It's a good job Natalie, and rewarding—but nothing is perfect. There are times that I see children slip through the system, or have to be returned to harsh living conditions and your hands are tied with red tape."

Natalie stood up and slipped the papers into her purse, "I'm just glad that I found something that seems to have meaning for me—not much has had meaning for me since my husband died," she said as she was surprised at the words that came out of her mouth.

"Something always has meaning to us—usually it's something that is similar to our own experiences growing up."

* * *

"You seem happier than when you first came," said Martha, Natalie's counselor and Kara's mother.

"I am—I came here to find peace and figure out where to go next in my life, and I think I've found both. Not just peace in Cristian's death, but also a peace that it's ok if I don't have someone in my life at the moment."

"But you are still thinking about John McBain?"

Natalie gave an embarrassing laugh, "Yes, I had another dream about him last night. He didn't say anything to me—we were at my work, and everything was put up and it seemed closed, but he was playing a game of pool, and when I tried to join in he didn't respond, and when I went to touch him to get his attention my alarm clock went off."

"Well, it seems to me that your subconscious is worried he has been not thinking about you since you were gone—that's why you can't get his attention in the dreams, because you aren't sure if he'll still want your attention. Just keep reminding yourself that if it doesn't work out when you get back home that you are a strong woman and that it's ok to be single at the moment. Get your career on track, and everything else will fall in place."

"I hope so. Is there anything else?"

"Well, usually I give out the letters from people not on the list that have come in, but I don't seem to have any for you."

"Really? Oh," said Natalie as she tried to hide the disappointment in her voice that John hadn't somehow gotten a hold of the address here and written her. "Thank you anyways," she smiled and left.

* * *

_She was having another dream again—and she knew it this time. She walked into Rodi's, deserted as before, but this time she took a chair down off one of the tables and sat it facing the pool table. She watched as John played one game and second and then a third—the entire time he never looked up, just kept a steady eye on the game at hand._

_Her thoughts began to wonder why he hadn't written her, and if she was somehow haunting his dreams like he was doing at the moment. She laughed when the thought crossed her mind that she had to be dreaming because John never played this good the entire time she'd known him. Whatever happened once she returned to Llanview she knew one thing—it was going to take more than just time to get him to stop haunting her dreams if their friendship, and anything beyond it was over._


	5. The Reason

A/N: Just want to give an explanation on the lack of chapters lately. Right after the last chapter was posted my computer crashed and I lost all my fan fic work—it's taken me a few weeks to get back into writing. Enjoy! Until next time—PCGirl.

* * *

John's head was down and his mind was deep in thought of the current case as he walked through Angel Square. Suddenly he heard a shout and before he had a chance to react Natalie was pressed directly against his body and his arms instantly went around her to keep from falling. "Hey," he smiled taking a look at her and moving her just an inch away from him so he could get a better look at the scenario—_roller blades_, he thought—_that explains a lot_, "I was hoping to run into you, but not quiet so literally." 

Natalie smiled and looked down at the skates, and realized he was still holding her up, "Ok, I think I've got the hang of it," she said as he slowly released his grip. "See, it's not that hard," she said as she stood on her own too feet for a quick moment before falling towards him again.

"Ok, let's try and get you sitting down," he said taking a look behind him and walking backwards and pulling Natalie with him towards the nearest bench. "There—nothing like nice sturdy concrete to sit on," he grinned at her, his eyes dancing at being able to see her again. She'd been back for three days—Antonio had told him multiple times the day she came back, but they'd been bogged down since then with multiple arrests and murderers for him to take the moment to call and see how she was doing—dinner for the time being was out of the question.

"Yeah, I guess so," she said as she moved a piece of hair behind her ear and kept smiling, "Maybe I should have rented a bike instead," she said finally releasing her gaze at him and motioning over to the rental stand nearby.

"Maybe I should talk Bo into having us require a license to use these things. I miss the old brown skates at the skating rink near where I grew up in AC."

"I know exactly where you are talking about. Oh—what was it called?" she said as she looked up towards the sky, her eyes closing as she began to think of the name, "Skate-."

"O-Rama," he laughed at knowing the answer.

Her eyes popped open and she laughed, "That's it! Skate-O-Rama. I'd save money for weeks during the summer to go there. There was nothing better than spending at day at the rink—between the skating, and did they have that rickety pool table when you were there?"

"Yeah—where do you think I learned?"

"That explains a lot—it was so bumpy and unstable you couldn't make a shot to save your life," she laughed out loud.

"So what is with the sudden urge to revisit your childhood?"

Natalie's eyes stopped sparkling for a moment and she looked at him, "I'm nervous and needed something to do to get my mind off of a phone call I may or may not receive today."

"What phone call?"

"When I was gone I realized I want to help children—those that are in bad family situations and try and help them either get out of them, or show them that there are people out there that will still care for them away from home. I was given the name of place in Philly—they need a new counselor and I sent them a letter of inquiry, along with a few letters of reference."

"And today is D-day?"

Natalie knotted her hands, "Yeah, and believe me I'm scared as anything."

"Don't be—I'm sure you'll get the job," he said, hoping he was wrong—the thought of her being any more than five minutes away made his stomach churn. "But if the kid wants to go roller blading, I strongly suggest you teach them pool instead."

Natalie laughed, "Thanks. Well, you looked like you were in some serious thought before I ran into you."

"Yeah, I better get back before Antonio sends the force after me. Will you be able to get back to the rental place safely on your own?"

"Yeah, I'm should be able to manage that much. Bye John."

John gave her a smile and almost said something else before saying goodbye and turned to leave.

* * *

"So wait—you did give John the address to the retreat?" asked Natalie to her sister while they sat in Rodi's.

"Yeah, I guess it was the first or second week you were gone. It was kind of cute how he got it he--."

"I don't care—what I care about was he obviously doesn't care for me enough to write his thoughts. Why should I be surprised though? I mean he never tells anyone what he's thinking—he just stands there like a bit dummy and stares at you," she said as she slapped the table and her water jumped and spilt slightly on the table.

"Nat—it wasn't like that all. He seriously was out of his mind the four weeks you were gone."

"Are you sure it wasn't Evangeline he was thinking of?"

"What? No—why would you think of that?"

"I've been back three days, and the only reason I talked to him earlier was because I ran into him—literally."

"So? They've been so busy at the station I'm asleep before Antonio gets in at night. Have you asked him? Did you two even talk about feelings?"

"No--," she said as she stopped her rant and heard her phone ringing. She looked at the caller ID to see Philadelphia across the screen, "I've got to take this," she said grabbing her purse and heading outside where it was quiet.

* * *

Jessica knocked on John's office door and stuck her head in to see him and Antonio both look up at him, "Hi—am I interrupting something?"

"No, actually we were just about to call it a night—I was thinking we'd get Natalie to join us for dinner," said Antonio as he came and gave Jessica a kiss. "Do you want to come John?"

"Yeah, just give me a minute," he said looking back down at something.

"You coming?" asked Antonio to Jessica as he began to walk out and saw she was still standing there watching John.

"Give me a minute," said Jessica as she flashed him a smile and looked back to John, "Listen—this is probably none of my business, but why didn't you send Natalie a letter?" she asked as she leaned on his desk and peered at what he was working on.

"Your right, it's none of your business," he said slapping his hand down on the paper at realizing what she was doing.

"Well, I just want you to know if she leaves it's your fault."

"What are you talking about?"

"My sister thinks you have no feelings for her, that you didn't miss her because even though you had the address you didn't care enough to write to tell her so," she said turning and walking away.

"Hey—tell Antonio I can't make it for dinner," he yelled as she slammed the door. He sat there silent for a moment and opened the bottom drawer of his desk and pulled out the envelope and ran his fingers over the name and address. John gave a slight sigh before getting up and grabbing his jacket and heading out.

_

* * *

_

"Hey—so what is the final word?" said John as he stood there at the entrance to Natalie's room at Llanfair.

She turned to look at him for a moment and then turned back to her business, "They want me to be at Philadelphia in the morning for an interview. I'm kind of busy—can this wait?"

John realized she was hurting and decided to go with Plan B—not that he had much of a Plan A, but he had decided if she didn't want to talk tonight he'd make sure she'd want to talk to him soon enough, "Yeah, that's fine. Just—have a safe trip, ok?"

"Thanks," she said as she turned to see him turn and go down the steps of Llanfair and shortly heard the door shut.

Natalie pulled her car up to the gas pump and grabbed her purse and that's when she noticed them for the first time—two white envelopes on her passenger seat. When she'd left Llanfair she had known her passenger window was down, but hadn't taken any notice of anything left for her. The one with just the world Natalie written on it was the one she picked up first,

_Natalie,_

_What I said in the first letter still holds true, but I don't want you to give up a dream of yours for me. Good luck in the interview tomorrow—and if you get the job, I expect a game of pool when you come back to visit._

_John_

_PS. Remember—avoid roller blades._

Natalie sighed as she realized she couldn't go any further to Philadelphia before reading the second letter, her hands shaking as she opened it,

_Natalie,_

_I swear I've tried to write this letter twenty times since I got your address from Antonio and Jessica. Don't blame them though—I tricked it out of them over a game of pool. You've been in my thoughts a lot lately—and my dreams too. Heck, you've been haunting my dreams so badly it's starting to scare me._

_You being in my life has changed me from the life I've been leading for the past five years. You got me to open up more than I was willing to do so—and when I did I realized you are more to me than just a really good friend._

_I don't want this to be a popularity act between myself and Paul—if you come back to town and realize he's what you want then that's fine. I know I had my chance with you months ago, and royally screwed it up so it's my loss. About that night—I guess I also want to mention how you seemed to be at such ease with letting Cristian go—I know he was a big part of your life before I came around—another thing I royally screwed up._

_I guess I've babbled enough—yeah, me babbling, I bet that's something you never thought you'd see me do. In the end I want to be a big part of your life, Natalie—I think it's easy enough to say that I love you._

_John_

Natalie looked at the paper before crumpling it into a ball and throwing it in the floorboard of the passenger seat. She froze for a moment before hitting the steering wheel and causing her horn to go off—then realizing everyone at the gas station was now looking at her.

"Ma'am—do you need assistance?" said the fuzzy voice of the attendant over the intercom.

"No, I'm fine," she said as she started her car again and began driving, "Damn it John McBain!"


	6. Call and Answer

A/N: Jess—ok, myself and Cru have both updated our stories today—it's your turn ;) Cru—is this soon enough for the next chapter or do you want me to wait a few more days? LOL. Gracie—I'm scared to think of what I'm going to read when you are done with your stories. (LOL—why I say that here and not on OoS I don't know) Ok, everyone enjoy—there's one more chapter. Until next time—ya'll are the best, and I think we're starting to see a bit of that light at the end of the tunnel on the show—PCGirl.

* * *

John got up from sitting on the bottom step in the hotel lobby and turned—he'd been hoping she was going to confront him tonight—ask him what he was thinking of giving her that letter now. He'd been trying to figure out the exact same thing—what had he been thinking? He was up a few steps when the door opened and he turned to see Natalie storming into the hotel—not seeing him just yet he was able to stop smiling—Plan B had worked it seemed. 

Natalie saw him standing there and saw him wipe the smirk off of his face, "What in the hell do you mean by this, John McBain?" she screamed as she threw the wadded up letter at him.

"Hey—you might want to be quiet or else you'll wake up Roxy and Nigel and then you'll be the one answering questions," he whispered as he came down the stairs and picking up the crumpled ball he presented it to her on his palm.

"Fine," she whispered—he could tell by her eyes she was dangerous and could explode at any moment. "Now answer my question," she said through gritted teeth.

"Come with me," he said as he took his other hand and held it out, but she didn't take it, "Trust," he said as she grudgingly took his hand and he walked up the steps.

* * *

"Great we're on the roof," she said, not exactly estatic at the moment.

"Hey—you can scream all you want now—give it a try?" he grinned as he leaned against the edge of the wall.

She wanted to start by wiping that stupid smirk off his face again but began yelling again, "Why did you give me that letter now? If you meant all that stuff why didn't you mail it to me?"

"I was scared--."

"Of what?"

John gave a chuckle, "Of you telling me I was a complete idiot."

"Well, you are," she sighed as she glanced at her watch—if she didn't leave soon she'd never make it to Philadelphia in time for the interview.

"Thanks," he said looking at the ground for a moment and then back at her while biting his lip. He got up off the ledge and began walking around the roof, "Natalie, I finally was able to realize I've wanted you since the moment I walked into Crossroads—that scared the hell out of me. And to finally admit defeat—well, it would have been a double defeat if you had laughed in my face. You went to that retreat to chose between me and Paul—I know the odds were 1 in 2 you'd pick me."

"Paul was never the issue—a week after I got there he was out of the race. You were the only one—you have been for a very long time John—since Cris died," she said as she was silent for a few minutes, "You said you admitted defeat—what was that battle?"

"What else—our ghosts," he said with a choked laugh, "I had this dream Natalie—I was trying to find you, the first time I did find you, but you told me I wasn't fast enough—Paul taunted me in the dream that he'd won, that Haver had won."

Natalie's eyes got big at the name, "Haver?"

"Yeah, it was weird. The second dream I was almost to where you were and I heard Caitlyn—clear as day as if she were still alive, she wanted me to come to her, but I knew she wasn't there—that it was only memories."

"So what did you do?"

"I got just to the door and this woman was blocking your room—she said it wasn't my choice for who you picked. So I turned and left."

"Wow—for once you took directions," she laughed, realizing she wasn't quiet as mad at him as she had been, "So why do you think I came up here tonight?"

"I have no clue—I'd like to think it was because I did win the race, but Natalie I don't want you to ever let someone stand between you and your dreams, ok?"

"Well, if I don't leave in like five minutes I'll lose that dream too."

John looked at his watch and realized the time and reached out to take her hand again, "We'll take my car—I'm not letting you give up that easily."

* * *

John sat in the chair outside the office—they'd been interviewing Natalie for a long time and he was starting to get nervous. He looked back down at the classifieds and saw another ad that interested him and circled it. The door opened and he smiled at seeing a relieved Natalie walking out. He stood up and greeted her, "Hey—how was it?"

"I got the job," she sighed.

"Yeah, my reaction to having the job of my dreams is sadness and depression to," he laughed and realized she wasn't laughing.

"Because—ugh, I've finally got everything want—direction in my life and you and I'm going to have to give up one of them. Why can't this job be where you are John?"

"It can," he smiled as he handed the newspaper over and rubbed his nose as he watched her read the ads.

"John—these are all two bedrooms. What—what are you saying? Are you coming to Philadelphia with me?"

"We've got a lot of stuff to sort out Natalie—this is a new relationship and I'm not giving up on us that easily."

"But—why would you do that for me?"

John grinned and he could feel himself turning red, "Because I love you Natalie Buchanan."

Natalie smiled and hugged him tightly—she could feel the tears filling her eyes and she choked the words out, "And I love you John McBain."


	7. Newborn Heart

A/N: (I'm leaving this the way it was originally just because--LOL) I'm sure there's a PC-ite out there right now wondering why I would chose this song for the closing chapter. Well, I honestly can't tell you why—one thing it has nothing to do is with Michael Easton—I've always loved this song, it's sweet and you feel it deep in your heart. It's really about the wanting to begin a new life with someone. Anyways, everyone enjoy! Until next time—thanks for all the wonderful reviews--PCGirl.

* * *

"Jessica, I really am going to be fine," said Natalie as she moved cups from boxes to the cupboard in hers and John's new apartment in Philadelphia. 

"I know—I just worry about you is all."

Natalie smiled, "Well, I'm glad you're worrying about me but in case you forgot my boyfriend is a cop."

"Fine—I'll give you some slack. That place just didn't sound very—uhm, hospitable."

"Maybe not for you, but I was raised by Roxy—I've lived in worse dumps than this. Anyways—it was the only place that we wouldn't have had to wait two months for an opening," she said as she pulled her hair out of the pony tail and pulled it back up again, wiping the beads of sweat off her neck—it was definitely a hot August night.

"Ok, but call me and tell me how your first day is."

"I will. Bye Jess."

"Bye Natalie."

Natalie threw the now empty box over next to the door where the rest of them sat and walked into the bedroom—they'd ended up having to get a one bedroom apartment for now. John was sitting there looking out the open window, "Any luck on a shower cooling us down tonight?"

"It feels like it's about to pour," he said turning his head towards her and giving a smile.

"Well, I'm going to take the empty boxes down—I remember seeing that Deli a few doors down—you want me to pick up a cheese steak for you?"

"Yeah, I could use some food right about now," he said as he walked over to her and pulled her close to him. He moved down to give her a passionate kiss as his hand slipped something into her back pocket.

Natalie pulled out of the kiss and reached into her pocket, "A knife?"

"For protection—ok? When you get back I'll have my other box unloaded," he said as she turned and left the room. He stopped for a second and walked out to the living room as she collected the boxes, "Hey—I love you."

She looked back to see his head resting against the door jam, "I love you too."

* * *

John slipped the remaining items of his into the bottom drawer and heard the front door open. He leaned over to see Natalie walking in, soaked from head to toe from the downpour that finally decided to greet the muggy night. He tried to hide his smile, but he couldn't keep it hidden as he spoke, "That's one way to cool off."

She gave him an evil look, as if daring him to speak, before sitting down on the floor next to him and pulling out a wrapped sandwich and handing it to him, "One Philly Cheese steak—supposedly the best in town."

"Yeah? Probably like every hot dog stand in New York—they all say they're the best, but has anyone ever gone and tried every vendor in the city?"

They stayed silent for a few minutes while eating and Natalie looked over to see he'd put down his sandwich and was just staring, "What? Do I have something on my face?" she asked, touching her face in reaction.

"No, it's nothing," he said shaking his head.

"Don't start with the silence thing again John—I thought we were past that point."

"We are—I was just realizing how you've changed me. The past few years I've slowly built this wall around my heart—making it so I never showed any feelings. I think I was harder to break into than Fort Knox.

"There were women in those years that had an interest in me, but when they saw the barrier they turned and walked away—I guess the idea of having a relationship with a unfeeling statue turned them off. But then there was you—you somehow got onto the other side of the barrier and tore it down from the inside. You could have walked away just like all the rest, but you didn't—and in the end, I'm sitting here next to you and I feel reborn, as if I'm getting to have the chance to start from scratch in love. There are no barriers with us now Natalie—it's just you and me, and I'll always be grateful for you bringing me to a new point in my life."

"Wow—I think that's the most words I've ever heard you say without being interrupted," laughed Natalie as she wiped away the tears. She leaned in to him and kissed him before whispering, "You were worth it."

"Am I?" he asked with a complete grin on his face. When she'd leaned in he could faintly smelled flowers—possibly roses. The slight scent though was all it took—John had to have her closer than physically possible and in moments they were losing themselves in each other.

And as the rain poured outside, washing away the dirt and grime of the hot August day John knew there was no woman before or after Natalie—there was only her and what she did to him.


End file.
